Lafftrak (transcript)
(One small spacecraft is chasing another through a field of debris. The pilot swigs from a flask, shoots at the craft in front) HUNTER: You're about to be cancelled, Leebarian - permanently! (He fires again. They head for a tiny planetoid, covered with buildings) HUNTER: Nine years ago you faked the ratings on your precious poetry channel. Why? Because you're culture-less bastards! (He fires again. The ships fly along deserted streets, between buildings. The hunter laughs, and fires again, chasing the other ship around a central square) HUNTER: How appropriate the last living Leebarian is going to die on TV World (He manages to hit the other craft, which crashes onto the surface. The hunted pilot gets out, falls, then gets up and detaches the gun from his ship) HUNTER: Your crap shows never rated, your crap planet is destroyed, and now your crap life is about to end! (He fires at the ship, laughs, comes around for another shot - and the hunted shoots him instead) HUNTED: Yes! (The ship crashes, and the pilot is thrown out onto his back. In the centre of the square there is some sort of TV transmission tower. He starts to crawl over to it, as the hunted pilot limps closer to him) HUNTED: You Leesterians always faked your ratings! You started this war, and now, the last living Leesterian will pay the final price (He shoots, but misses, and the blast knocks him over. He struggles to his feet) HUNTED: We did not have to fake our ratings, because we were not dull, dull, dull! (The other pilot reaches the tower, opens a hatch) HUNTED: A commercial on Leeber was far more entertaining than an entire network on the planet Leester! (The hunter flicks a switch. The hunted fires, falls, gets up again) HUNTED: Was it worth faking your ratings? Was it worth causing a war that destroyed two planets? I wanna hear it from your mouth, that it was worth it, before you die! (The hunter looks at him, chuckles) HUNTER: You're the ones who faked the ratings - culture-less Leebarian vermin! (The hunted shoots again, and kills him) HUNTED: Apology accepted (He falls to the ground) HUNTED: I die, in peace (Then the hunter's face appears on all the TV screens dotted about the place) HUNTER: Let it be known for all time that there were once two planets in this system. The planet Leester made great television shows. The planet Leeber made crap. They had to fake the ratings. They had to fake the ratings HUNTED: No!!!!! (He dies, and the message plays again, over and over) HUNTER: Let it be known for all time that there were once two planets in this system. The planet Leester made great television shows. The planet Leeber made crap. They had to fake the ratings. They had to fake the ratings (The Lexx. Stan, Xev and 790 are watching this on the view screen. It's interrupted by an announcer speaking quickly) CG: Someplayersmayfailtohavehighratingsandwillbecomepermanentmembersofourstudioaudience XEV: 790? 790: I don't know, dream cake. It could be a weak nearby signal (The Lexx looms huge beside TV World. They pick up more clips) HUNTER: Their planet made crap SLINKA: Why not try me, Slinka - YOYO: And me, Yoyo - CG: Are you looking for some fun? 790: Can't we just blow it up? (Xev looks at Stan, and grins - he grins back, but is not convinced. Stan Xev and 790 take a moth down to TV World) STAN: This is all just such a bad idea. I vote against landing, who's with me? XEV: I vote we land. People have clearly been here STAN: Well, where are they now? 790, this is probably a bad place for Xev 790: I am forced to agree with the decaying sack of carbon, dearest. I vote we return to the Lexx XEV: Stan - what have you got to lose STAN: My life?! 790: I change my vote! I say we land XEV: Two against one, Stan (She smiles. Stan shakes his head. The moth flies through the streets and lands in the square. Xev gets out, and Stan hands 790 to her) XEV: Coming? (Stan isn't happy, but follows her. Xev looks at the skeletons of the pilots from the beginning - clearly dead a long time) STAN: Well, checked it out - no-one here (He turns to go back, but Xev carries on, up to a warehouse like structure. As she approaches, a star shaped doorway lights up, and a TV flickers into life, showing an incredibly insincere presenter, grinning against a background of pastel lines and dancing televisions. Oh, and xylophone music) CG: Welcome to TV World! Are you looking for some fun? Hi, I'm CG, vice president of programming on TV World. Are you ready to play? Of course, sitting at home on Leester or Leeber - beautiful planets, both - you've wondered what it would be like to be that special character you've always wanted to play, otherwise you would not have paid the affordable fee to be here on TV World. Well now, here you are - so live out your fantasy! XEV: What is it, 790? 790: A clearly insincere promotion inviting us to participate in some sort of role playing game. I calculate it was intended to provide amusement for inhabitants of planets that are now destroyed CG: A big part of the fun is in choosing just the right show for you. And the more fun you have on that show, the better your ratings. And the better your ratings, the more fun it is for you - and all of us (smiles) XEV: Hey - why not? (Xev walks up the steps to the door, and CG speaks almost too rapidly to hear) CG: Some players may fail to have high ratings and will become permanent members of our studio audience STAN: Wait! Excuse me, do you have any idea what you're doing? You don't know what's behind that door! XEV: Yes I do - fun! Just like he said 790: Without you, stunned one STAN: But what if it's a trap?! XEV: Stan - I grew up in a box. I've got a lot of experiences to make up CG: You have chosen - Boy School! Name, please XEV: Xev. Xev of B3K 790: And 790 (A buzzer sounds) CG: We are sorry - only one role is available to be cast in each show 790: But I'm not a person. I am 790 - reduced by circumstance to a mere head, but enlarged with love to worship my darling Xev CG: We are sorry - only one role is available to be cast in each show. You must wait until this episode is finished, and then you too can play! XEV: Here (She throws 790 to Stan) 790: Aah! Don't leave me here with him! XEV: You keep each other company for a while 790: Stir fry my circuits instead! (The door opens, and Xev goes through) 790: Tweedle! Enrol me in Boy School immediately STAN: They said there was only one role on each show 790: Do it, bentobrain! (Stan puts his foot on the step, and the buzzer sounds) CG: We are sorry - only one role is available to be cast in each show. You must wait until this episode is finished, and then you too can play! 790: I don't want any of these, I want to be with Xev! STAN: So sad (He walks up the steps of the next building) CG: You have chosen - Talk Time! STAN: Good choice 790: No! Tweedle! This isn't Boy School! Ahhh! (Stan throws 790 though the door) STAN: I'm glad (He shrugs, and walks on) STAN: Every time. Every time! She doesn't learn a thing (The next building. The screen above the entrance shows two girls) SLINKA: Hi there! You could be our perfect roomie. Why not join me, Slinka - YOYO: And me, Yoyo - BOTH: On Girl Time! (Stan looks, thinks about this, and goes up the steps. As he opens the door, a bucket balanced above it drops polystyrene chips on him. He walks into a bedroom, hears a voice) SLINKA: Who is it? STAN: Stanley Tweedle (Slinka walks in - a girl with long red hair, wearing an orange bikini and a flimsy negligee, which catches on something. She laughs, and slips it off) SLINKA: Oops! You're not the landlord STAN: The landlord, no (The bedroom is a set. A camera hovers around it, and canned laughter echoes) SLINKA: We thought you were the landlord, Mr Beetle STAN: If I was the landlord, you wouldn't have to pay any rent YOYO: Who is it, Slinka? SLINKA: It's (pause) Stanley Tweedle, Yoyo YOYO: Who? STAN: Stanley Tweedle, captain of the most - potent, spaceship of all time (And in comes Yoyo - short pink hair, and a yellow outfit like Slinka's, which catches on something, and slips off) YOYO: Oops! (She puts her arm around Slinka) SLINKA: I'm Slinka YOYO: I'm Yoyo STAN: Hi BOTH: We need a new roommate STAN: Er - do you have any openings? (The audience likes this, and now we see the clapometer - circular, the green half has a frowning face, the red half a smiling face. On a screen, there's an image of Stan - and on another, an image of Xev, in Boy School. She's stroking a cue, and walking between the desks of a classroom full of giggling young men) MAN: So - what're you going to teach us today, Mistress Xev? XEV: I'm a graduate of the wife bank. I know exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to start with basic teasing (she touches one guy's nose) then move on to basic squeezing (she pulls another guy's head back) and end up in advanced pleasing (She sits on the lap of the first man) MAN: (laughs) So - when do I graduate? (Xev puts her leg up on the desk, leans over him) XEV: You can take an oral exam right now, if you want (The clapometer goes up. Then the room goes dark, the actors freeze, and CG pops up on a screen in the classroom) CG: Congratulations, Xev! You have received a 96 rating XEV: This is fun! CG: You have qualified for prime time exposure XEV: I want more. Turn them back on (The actors start laughing again - but one at the back of the class has a malfunction. He starts scribbling rapidly, then freezes) XEV: I get that a lot (The audience laughs) XEV: So - where were we? (She sits down on the man's lap again. A screen shows a close up of her lips, which the audience chuckles at appreciatively) (Meanwhile, in Girl Time - ) YOYO: Our new room mate must be firm SLINKA: Are you firm? STAN: Yeah, I can be pretty firm when I have to be (The clapometer goes down. Slinka puts her hand on Stan's chest) SLINKA: Our new room mate must also be sensitive YOYO: Are you sensitive? STAN: Parts of me are very sensitive SLINKA: You remember our last room mate, don't you Yoyo? YOYO: I do Slinka. The poor man, he just wasn't firm SLINKA: Or sensitive YOYO: When he had to be SLINKA: Which was much of the time. So - Stanley Tweedle, is it? STAN: Yeah BOTH: Can you leave us a deposit? STAN: A deposit? Yeah, I think I could, er, I could manage to leave you a deposit, you know, if I'm the guy that - er, um, if - (The clapometer goes down) STAN: Er, the thing, if I'm the guy you're looking for, I could - (Enter the angry landlord, with broom. He is slightly more robotic than the girls, but the audience likes him) BOTH: It's the landlord, Mr Beetle! BEETLE: This time I catch you sluts red handed! A pair of filthy sluts, both of you. And you, Mr Funny Funny - what kind of degenerate are you? STAN: Er - I can explain. See - er, what we have here is - um - er, it's a - (The lights go out. The girls freeze. CG appears on a screen) CG: Too bad, Stanley Tweedle. Girl Time is cancelled. Your ratings were a little bit too low STAN: Huh? CG: In fact, they were a lot too low STAN: Gimme another chance. I can be funny, really I can. Did I ever tell you about the time that I accidentally sent an entire family to a prisoner docking bay on the Cluster? Boy, did I get demerit points! CG: But hey Stanley Tweedle - prime time is very competitive. You will get a new daytime show! (790 is sitting on a table in a chat show - Talk Time) 790: Xev. Xev Bellringer of B3K. Never has there been a lovelier representation of the human female form. Never has there been seen a more perfect geometry in a human face (The chat show host is wearing a very loud plaid suit. He laughs insincerely) HOST: Your first guest is award winning actor, Noch Einmal (The audience claps. In comes the man from Xev's class, now wearing a silver suit. He tries to shake hands mechanically with the host, but they both miss. He sits next to 790) 790: Who are you? NOCH: Thanks. It's really great to be here - on your show 790: Have you seen Xev? NOCH: Thanks. It's really great to be here - on your show 790: Xev, you artificial excuse for an actor! Xev! Darling, wonderful, gorgeous Xev! NOCH: Thanks. It's really great to be here - on your show. It's really great to be here - on your show (Stan is now in a daytime show - Heartbreak Hospital. He's wearing a white coat, and Yoyo is his nurse. She lifts a cover off a patient. Stan looks, puts the cover back down) STAN: Somebody forgot to wear clean underwear (The next patient is Slinka, lying on a bed in a green gown, clutching a cuddly toy. She reaches for Stan, and he sits down on her bed) SLINKA: Dr Stanley Tweedle - did you tell your wife about us? About the times we ravaged each other in the bathroom at the embassy, and when we made violent torrid love while hiding in the sewers? Does she know about our wonderful, terrible secret? (Stan thinks about this, lies beside her, takes the toy away, and starts walking his fingers up her body) STAN: Actually, she said - it was OK if you and me ripped off a piece - right here in the hospital even SLINKA: Oh. Oh, Stanley Tweedle YOYO: Dr Stanley Tweedle, we must begin the surgery before it's too late (Then in comes a drunken bedraggled wifebot, clutching a bottle. Stan scrambles to his feet) WIFE: Stanley Tweedle! How could you?! STAN: What? WIFE: After all we've been through, with the lies, and the drinking, and the cheap scenes with your whores! (The wifebot pulls out a knife, but Slinka grabs her arm) SLINKA: I will always love you, Stanley Tweedle (Slinka falls back onto the bed) WIFE: Bitch! (She goes to stab Slinka, but the lights go out. The clapometer is way down) STAN: Oh boy CG: Too bad, Stanley Tweedle. Heartbreak Hospital is cancelled. Your ratings were a little bit too low (Stan sighs) (Xev is now sitting in darkness on a comfy armchair) CG: Fantastic Xev! You are getting excellent ratings. You are entitled to this showcase of your many talents. Just be yourself, Xev And now, what you have all been waiting for - it's - The Xev Show! (The lights come up. Xev is surrounded by studly cowboys, wearing gold hats, chaps, and neckerchiefs. Xev gets up) XEV: Hello everybody. Hello, boys BOYS: Hello, Xev! (Balloons and bubbles fill the air. Xev twirls. We get our first look at the studio audience - row upon row of heads in jars, each with green and red lights on top) (On Talk Time, the next guest arrives - it's Slinka, now wearing leopard print bra top and very short shorts. She walks in mock sexily, and sits down by 790, flicking her hair over her shoulders and pouting) SLINKA: I have nice breasts 790: Technically you have breasts - but can your puffy bags even remotely compare to the bouncy bosoms of my dream boat on the river of love? SLINKA: Thousands would kill, buster 790: I want XEV! (The clapometer goes down. The host laughs) (The Lexx is still hovering by TV World. In the cryochamber, 790's show is playing on a screen in front of Kai's cryopod) (Stan is now wearing a huge nappy over his uniform. He walks into a kiddie show. Loads of little kids start waving balloons and cheering. In comes Farty the Clown with big yellow hair, wearing an orange unitard with a white bib) FARTY: You all like balloons, don't you kids? KIDS: We sure do, Farty! FARTY: And how about you, Diapers? Which do you like more - balloons, or making a big boo boo in your bummy? (The kids laugh. Stan doesn't) STAN: Actually, I'm not real big on either one, Farty FARTY: Oh, come on Diapers - don't be such a big baby! (Stan unpins the nappy, takes it off) STAN: You know, there is an absolute limit to the kind of crap I am prepared to take from a fat stupid wind-up clown who isn't even funny - KID: Your bum stinks, Diapers! (Stan gives the kid a look, then kicks his head off) STAN: - and a bunch of idiot android kids, I'm not gonna do it, do you hear? I am not gonna play this game anymore! FARTY: Oh, come on Diapers - don't be such a big baby! (The lights go out) CG: Too bad, Stanley Tweedle. Your ratings do not qualify you for morning show STAN: Good! CG: Unfortunately, you must now be cast in Speciality Show (The televisions behind CG change into axes) STAN: I don't want a speciality show, I want out (A trap door opens beneath him, and he falls) (The Xev show is now getting musical) XEV: I am just a girl - BOYS: Xev! XEV: Oh yeah - A special kind of girl - BOYS: A special kind of Xev! XEV: I'm a little bit of lizard, and a whole lot of love! (The cowboys all point at her as she dances) BOYS: It's Xev, Xev, Xev, on the Xev Show! (The heads in jars really like this - well, the ones that haven't turned into skulls) (Stan is now in a dark cell, near an ominous looking machine. Slinka and Yoyo are there, dressed in black guard uniforms) CG: Too bad, Stanley Tweedle. You will no longer be cast in shows. When you came here, you agreed to accept a certain element of risk. We all know that a game has a sharper edge when the stakes are high. Our programmes are broadcast throughout this solar system, exposing you to the possibility of fortune and fame (Stan tries to walk away from the machine, but Slinka and Yoyo put their hands on his shoulders to stop him. He takes their hands off) CG: The system expects a few guests to perform poorly - which you have, Stanley Tweedle (Stan laughs, and tries to leave again - but the girls stop him) CG: But Stanley Tweedle, as a consolation prize, you'll get to watch lots of great shows, by being a permanent member of our studio audience. And in order to join in those laughing faces, you will now get to play in my favourite programme of all - Speciality Show! STAN: I don't think so. I'm outta here (He steps forward again - and is hit by a blast of electricity. Slinka and Yoyo hold him up, as the Captain makes his entrance - black uniform, epaulettes and sunglasses) SLINKA: Hey Skooch - did you just hear something? YOYO: Yeah. I think it was my stomach. Must be lunch time SLINKA: Oh, yeah CAPTAIN: What have we here, Skooch? YOYO: Get a load of this, Captain. Mr Funny Funny here thinks - CAPTAIN: No - don't tell me - let me guess STAN: (still stunned) I think there's been a misunderstanding CAPTAIN: A scum bag! And tonight, right here on Speciality Show, you get to see one more scum bag bite the dust STAN: Wait just a second here now - (On the Lexx, Speciality Show is playing on the screen by Kai's cryopod. Kai wakes up, and takes a moth down to TV World) (Slinka is now drawing a line across Stan's throat with a shaving brush and foam) CAPTAIN: What do we do with scum bags, Skooch? YOYO: We separate their smiling faces from the rest of their body, Captain CAPTAIN: That's right. We decapitate them. Do you understand what I mean? STAN: But I didn't do anything! CAPTAIN: (laughs) You see, our viewers understand perfectly well how you got here. You didn't rate (to audience) but this time, he will STAN: But I don't wanna rate! (The guards laugh) (The Xev show has now taken a more serious turn) XEV: And then I was taken to the (she sits) marriage unit. It was to be my big day. But my husband - he called me a cow. So I punched him out. I don't know what came over me, all my wife bank training just left me, I just - did it (sighs) Stan - well, Stan is nice enough in his own way, but - he does nothing for me, you know, sexually speaking - which logically he should, since I have an accelerated libido. Kai, on the other hand - that's a different story (sad) But Kai is dead (the tears are welling up now) You know - it's not easy being programmed to love, and - never finding it. I guess (sniffs) pretty girls can be lonely too (The clapometer goes down, the lights go out. Xev starts to cry) CG: Too bad, Xev - but the Xev Show has been cancelled XEV: What? Me? CG: But hey Xev - I will find you a new show! XEV: What new show? (On Talk Time, the host is just laughing regardless of what 790 is saying) 790: Xev, you pathetic cartoons! Xev! You are without question the most idiotic substitutions for a life form - Tweedle excepted - that I have ever had the misfortune to come across. I want XEV!!! HOST:(laughs) Your next guest is - 790: Shut up! I want Xev! (The lights go out) CG: Too bad, 790. Talk Time has been cancelled 790: Thank goodness CG: Your ratings are insufficient 790: Where's Xev?! CG: Do not worry 790. We will get you a new show! 790: Darling - I will find you (Kai opens the door to the bedroom in Girl Time, and waits for the bucket to empty before he enters) SLINKA: Who is it? KAI: Where's Stanley Tweedle? (Slinka walks in - exactly the same as before) SLINKA: Oops! You're not the landlord. We thought you were the landlord, Mr Beetle YOYO: Who is it, Slinka? SLINKA: It's (pause) Where's Stanley Tweedle, Yoyo YOYO: Who? (And in comes Yoyo, as before) YOYO: Oops! (She puts her arm around Slinka) SLINKA: I'm Slinka YOYO: I'm Yoyo BOTH: We need a new roommate KAI: Where's Stanley Tweedle? (Mr Beetle comes in, malfunctioning slightly) BOTH: It's the landlord, Mr Beetle! BEETLE: This time I ca - ca- caught you sluts red handed! A pair of filthy sluts, the both of you. And you, Mr Funny Funny - (Kai grabs his broom) KAI: I am not funny (Mr Beetle freezes. The lights go out, as Kai walks out of a door - and into Heartbreak Hospital) SLINKA: Oh. Oh, Where's Stanley Tweedle YOYO: Dr Where's Stanley Tweedle, we must begin the surgery before it's too late (In comes the wifebot, crackling badly) WIFE: Where's Stanley Tweedle! How could you?! KAI: What? WIFE: After all we've been through, with the lies, and the drinking, and the cheap scenes with your whores! (The wifebot pulls out a knife, but Kai grabs her arm) KAI: I am not - sentimental (He walks though the doors as the lights go out) (790 is now a contestant on a game show hosted by Noch Einmal) NOCH: Are you ready to spin? CONT: Yeah! NOCH: Are you ready to win? CONT: Yeah! NOCH: Well, let's go! 790: Please help me find Xev (The lights go out) 790: XXEVVV!!!!!!!!!!! CG: Too bad, 790. Your ratings do not qualify you for morning TV. Unfortunately you will now be cast in Speciality Show 790: Would Speciality Show have a Xev in it, by any chance? (Kai has now arrived at the kiddie show. Farty the Clown makes his entrance) FARTY: You all like balloons, don't you kids? KIDS: We sure do, Farty! FARTY: And how about you, Diapers? Which do you like more - balloons, or making a big boo boo in your bummy? KAI: I am not - (Kai is distracted by an orange balloon) KAI: Actually - I remember having a fondness for balloons (He pats the balloon up in the air, then walks away. The lights go out) (Meanwhile, back in Speciality Show -) CAPTAIN: Any last words, scum bag? STAN: Please don't do this (Kai races in, pushes Stan aside - and winds up in the machine himself. The Captain hits a button) KAI: I suggest you try to find Xev (Slinka and Yoyo place a jar around Kai's head, then cover it. His body goes limp, and the jar with his head is raised and removed. The Captain hits another button, and Kai's body drops down through a trap door) CAPTAIN: Now that's entertainment! (grins) Join us next time for another exciting episode of Speciality Show! (He salutes, the audience claps, the lights go out) STAN: Kai? (Stan walks cautiously past the frozen robots) STAN: Kai? (He wipes the shaving foam off his neck) (Kai's head jar joins the others in the studio audience, watching Xev's latest show - Super Stretch and Bounce) KAI: Xev (Stan is walking around the backstage area. He goes through a door, into the kiddie show) FARTY: Diapers! (The kids cheer. Stan plays along, grinning and waving) FARTY: Would you like a balloon, Diapers? STAN: Oh, I love balloons, Farty (Stan takes the balloon, bursts it, and shoves the bits into Farty's mouth. The kids love this, and the clapometer goes up) STAN: Now remember kiddies - don't try this at home! CG: Congratulations, Stanley! You have qualified to move up in the ratings STAN: Wow! Lucky me! (Kai is watching Xev) KAI: Yes Xev. This is tremendous. Ha. Ha (It's a very fake laugh. Kai tries to look at the heads around him) KAI: Isn't Xev tremendous? Ha. Ha (On Speciality Show, it's 790's turn) CAPTAIN: Any last words, scum bag? 790: Yes. Xev Xev Xev Xev Xev Xev Xev Xev Xev Xev Xev Xev Xev Xev Xev Xev Xev Xev Xev Xev Xev Xev Xev Xev Xev!!! (And 790 is gone) CAPTAIN: Now that's entertainment!(grins) (The studio audience are watching Xev) KAI: Xev - make us laugh (790 arrives in the slot next to Kai) 790: Kai! KAI: 790 790: Have you seen Xev? KAI: She's right in front of you - on TV 790: Oh, sweet angel mine! KAI: Xev is funny, don't you think? Ha. Ha. Ha 790: Ha ha ha ha. Ho ho ho ho. Hee hee hee. Oh, stop it Xev! Oh, she's priceless! Absolutely priceless, right everybody? Ha ha ha! (But the clapometer goes down. Super Stretch and Bounce is basically Xev riding on an exercise bike) XEV: It only took me seconds - but of course it would take you months or even years to have a figure like mine (She stops, takes the towel off her neck, drapes it over the handlebars, and gets up) XEV: My body - is a perfect body. Perfect in every way. See (twirls) I don't have to exercise. It just doesn't make any difference. So, I'm going to sit down, and you can watch me - relax (She pulls up a chair and sits. The lights go out) XEV: Now what? CG: Too bad, Xev. Super Stretch and Bounce has been cancelled XEV: That's because I don't want to do Super Stretch and Bounce. I want to finish my show, the Xev Show CG: Your ratings do not qualify you for morning shows. Unfortunately you must now be cast on Speciality Show (Back in the studio audience -) 790: Foulness! Despair! Murder! Evil! Help! (Stan is now in Heartbreak Hospital) STAN: Hold it. Before you say anything, I'm looking for a gorgeous woman named Xev. Now what's the quickest way out of here? (Slinka reaches for him) SLINKA: I'll always love you, Stanley Tweedle (In comes the wifebot - or rather, her head on Kai's body) STAN: Kai?! WIFE: Stanley Tweedle! How could you?! STAN: Sorry honey, I only want you for your body (He punches her head, knocking it off Kai's body. The clapometer goes up. The head lies on the floor, still following its script) WIFE: After all we've been through. With the lies, and the drinking, and the cheap scenes with your whores (Stan carries Kai's body over his shoulders) CG: Congratulations, Stanley! You have qualified to move up in the ratings STAN: Yeah yeah, someday I'm gonna be a big star, right (Xev is now in Speciality Show. Slinka and Yoyo pull her into the machine) CG: You will now get to play in my favourite programme of all - Speciality Show! (The Captain comes in, and stuns Xev) SLINKA: Hey Skooch - did you just hear something? YOYO: Yeah. I think it was my stomach. Must be lunch time SLINKA: Oh, yeah CAPTAIN: What have we here, Skooch? YOYO: Get a load of this, Captain. Miss Funny Beautiful here - CAPTAIN: No - don't tell me - let me guess. A scum bag! XEV:(stunned) Xev - show. Xev - show Captain: Well, tonight, right here on Speciality Show, you get to see one more scum bag bite the dust (The heads in the audience laugh. There are loads of them, with a bank of TV screens in front of them) (Slinka is now drawing a line across Xev's throat with a shaving brush and foam) CAPTAIN: What do we do with scum bags, Skooch? YOYO: We separate their smiling faces from the rest of their body, Captain CAPTAIN: That's right. We decapitate them. Do you understand what I mean? Any last words, scum bag? XEV: Not for you (The Captain laughs. Stan comes in, and fires Kai's brace right through his chest) XEV: Stan (Stan puts Kai's body down, walks into the cell) STAN: Who's the scum bag now, tough guy? (He helps Xev out of the machine) STAN: So - having fun yet? (Stan and Xev leave) CAPTAIN: Now that's entertainment! (He salutes, then freezes) (Stan and Xev have found their way to the studio audience. Xev sees Kai and 790) 790: I thought you were wonderful, Xev XEV: Thanks (She picks 790 up. Kai's body takes his head out of the jar, and reattaches it. They look around at all the jars - hundreds of them. Stan shakes his head, and they leave) (Everyone is in the cryochamber. Kai gets back into his pod) XEV: It's - it's hard to explain, but when I was up there on stage, all alone, I really felt that I was - special 790: You are the most special creature ever created STAN: It was all artificial, they weren't really alive KAI: Being alive isn't everything (The cryopod closes. Stan leaves, Xev follows. The Lexx flies away - and drone arms devour TV World) Category:Transcripts